So.

In the fall of 2010, I was invited to speak at a Pecha-Kucha-type event. I totally ignored the assigned topic, and instead lectured on my current obsession: the mythical priest-king of the middle ages, Prester John.

Here's more or less how it went.

Hi.

My name is Matt, and I'm going to tell you about the awesomest historical figure you've never heard of.

Imagine you're a thirteenth-century European.

Things seem pretty bad: Poverty is rampant and dire. Strange new diseases keep appearing, and the Black Death is just around the corner. Church and State abuse their power to oppress the common people. To top it off, you're losing a nasty war in the Middle East. It could seem pretty grim.

But you have a role model.

Every European in the middle ages knew about Prester John, who ruled a fabulous Christian kingdom in the far east. Prester John's kingdom was peaceful, safe, virtuous and wealthy. It sounded like a dream, but here was proof that things could be better - here was an example to work towards and hope for. Here's how it happened.

Bishop Hugh receives a visitor.

In 1122 AD, a priest shows up in Jabalah (in modern-day Syria), claiming to have traveled from India. He brought greetings from Prester John, the wealthy priest-king who ruled there.

Wait, Christians in India?

This wasn't all that surprising. At the time, everyone knew that the Apostle Thomas had traveled to India, and converted a fraction of the locals. A local church there made sense.

Twenty years later, a letter arrived.

Prester John himself sent a letter of introduction, imploring Europeans to visit and to get to know him and his kingdom.

He wrote: first of all, we are militarily mighty.

I have subjected 77 other kings, and they serve at my table. We can help with those Crusades - we'll attack from the East, and we'll recover the Holy Land together.

I am both Priest and King to my people

You may be oppressed, but I represent the best from the Church and State, combined into one wise and beneficient ruler.

My kingdom is virtuous.

In my kingdom, there are no liars, cheaters, adulterers or sinners. In fact, each year the preserved corpse of the Apostle Thomas rises and magically distributes communion to the faithful.

My kingdom is wealthy.

There is no end to the wealth contained in my kingdom. My houses are full of precious stones, gold, jewels, elephants and pepper!

Oh yes, pepper.

As a thirteenth-century person, you know that pepper is more valuable than gold - we have tractless forests full of it. Yes, those forests are infested with poisonous snakes, but that's a surmountable problem.

In fact, all living animals are here.

Not just the ones you know, either - we have multi-colored lions, and camels, and phoenixes, and unicorns and manticores and apes and every type of animal on the earth.

An example.

In my kingdom we have salamanders, which are lizards that live in fire and produce silk-like thread. We harvest the thread and manufacture beautiful clothes that are not washed in water, but cleaned by burning fire.

Another.

In my kingdom we have the Illyerion, special birds of which there are only two in all the world. When it comes time to lay eggs, they lay only two - then drown themselves in the sea.

Not just animal, but human diversity too.

In my kingdom we rule over giant men, and pygmy men, and one-eyed men, and dog-headed men, and part-horse men, and men with one giant foot, and hermaphoditic men, and men with their faces in their chests, and even the Amazonian women.

And a rich landscape.

Set aside the fauna, and consider the land itself. It contains magic healing stones, and rivers full of jewels, and mountains and deserts. Do you remember Eden? It's literally just across my borders.

And the fountain of youth.

OK, I won't just come out and say it's the Fountain of Youth, but if you drink from it you will be healed of all sickness. If you bathe in it you will appear to be the healthy age of 30. Did I mention that I myself am 470 years old?

So: they went to find Prester John.

Many people went to search for Prester John: Marco Polo, Henry the Navigator, - but the most remarkable was John Mandeville - a travelogue writer who visited the Holy Land, Africa, China, and Prester John's kingdom. He was lying about nearly everything, but it's a great read.

Thanks for listening, everybody.

If you're interested, I can talk about this guy all day - so find me after we're done and we'll talk.